So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
