What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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