his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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