I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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