I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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