I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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