i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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