I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
