How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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