Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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