A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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