Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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