This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
