I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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