Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
