you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
