we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
soo... how was my night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
