the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
