so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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