I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
