He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
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I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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