I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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