i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
