I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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