hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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