I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
