Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
