I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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