Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
