I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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