So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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