You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
