So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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