Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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