apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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