Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
