All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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