Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So many bounce houses so little time
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
