the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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