The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
