made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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