someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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