he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize