you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
