Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
