I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
