why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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