In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
