We're like a lot better than the average bears
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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