I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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