i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
