I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
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Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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