I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Drake has all the answers
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
