I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.