Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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