where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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