The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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