If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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