i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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