he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
