I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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