My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
