Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
People in love make me want to vomit
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
