She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
