Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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