Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
