he puts the penis in happiness.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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