Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
