Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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